Thursday, December 5, 1996
COLUMN:
Compilations a respite from perennial blizzard of bad
musicChristmas albums are like drug addictions and political causes
 every musician has to have one, but their novelty wears off
in minutes. Though some Christmas albums benefit these causes, it
is often the listener who heads for the drugs by the time the album
hits its third repeat in the disc player.
It’s the ’90s. After a grueling history of everyone from Sinatra
to Sonic Youth crooning "Chestnuts roasting …" you’d think
artists would get the hint and Just Say No. Most of us could
wallpaper our apartments with all of our parents’ Barbra Streisand
and Neil Diamond Christmas albums, and they’re Jewish!
If it’s the money that makes these artists jump on the "Jingle
Bells" bandwagon, the U.S. might seriously look into a government
funding program akin to paying farmers not to farm. This may keep
those surplus Christmas albums that crop up on every label and in
every genre away from the nether regions of your Christmas tree.
Even a fruitcake is better than a Michael Bolton, Jimmy Buffett or
Vanessa Williams Christmas album (all released this month) Â
at least it can be used as a weapon.
The surest way to avoid receiving one of these stinkers is to
keep your wish list overflowing, so grandma won’t be forced to
wander the aisles of the Wherehouse in search of that catch-all
Gen-X gift. There are actually a few "modern rock" Christmas
compilations, and while they pale in comparison to the work of the
artists that grace them, they certainly beat another Christmas with
Kenny G or Mariah Carey. If you are issued one, don’t panic Â
it might actually help you get through the holidays.
"Just Say Noel," a benefit album from Geffen Records, features
artists normally known for greatness  Sonic Youth, Beck,
Elastica and the Roots, among others. It provides a possible
soundtrack for your well-earned vacation.
Start with Beck’s funny but forgettable "The Little Drum Machine
Boy," whose droney, laid-back bass and wry humor will slow your
brain to an idle after a tough week of finals. As you unpack at
your parents’, put on Aimee Mann and Michael Penn’s "Christmastime"
and XTC’s "Thanks for Christmas," whose corny ’50s-style
arrangements override any attempt at originality. These will get
you in the "Leave It to Beaver" mood required to greet, impress and
suck the maximum presents out of your folks.
When you start missing the drugs and thugs of L.A. (perk up all
you NoCal Bruins), spin "Santa Doesn’t Cop Out on Dope" by Sonic
Youth or the Roots’ "Millie Pulled a Pistol on Santa" to put things
back into perspective. Sonic Youth’s noise experiment is also an
excellent choice for scaring away those unwanted 40-something
relatives who wander uninvited into your bedroom before Christmas
dinner.
By the time Christmas evening draws to a close, all the coolness
will have been sucked out of you, and you’ll be able to dance
freely to Southern Culture on the Skids’ upbeat, bluesy "Merry
Christmas Baby," one of the more palatable contributions. The most
intrepid will follow this one up with Elastica’s catchy,
Blondie-style "Gloria." Remy Zero’s "Christmas" and Wild Colonials’
equally lethargic "Christmas is Quiet" can be saved for
post-holiday hangover nursing.
Be creative with the remaining tracks  clean out the
fridge of leftovers, send a thank-you pipe bomb to Aunt Selma for
the Streisand Christmas album or watch a bowl game or two. At this
point "Just Say Noel" can be hidden under the fruit cake with the
Ghosts of Christmases Past  Chia Pets, crimping irons and
Beta home videos.
Even less memorable is Rock for Choice’s "O Come All Ye
Faithful," whose contributions include songs by Bush, Juliana
Hatfield, Luscious Jackson, the Presidents of the USA and Mike
Watt.
A creepy version of "’Twas the Night Before Christmas" by Henry
Rollins starts things off, complete with gun shots, helicopters and
Nine Inch Nails-inspired vocals. It closes with a bomb, which may
be a hint to the listener as to what lies ahead  no less than
13 "bombs," save Dance Hall Crashers’ new wave/punk version of "I
Did It for the Toys" and Luscious Jackson’s eerie "Queen of
Bliss."
Then there’s Bush’s low-fi version of "Good King
Somethingorother," with cheekbone-laden frontman Gavin
Someoneorother’s usual whining, sure to set pre-teen hearts
everywhere a-flutter. This one is a good buy for your younger,
annoying sibling  just make sure his or her room is at the
other end of the hall.
For those who would like a great Christmas compilation that
doesn’t belong in your parents’ CD cabinet, check out "A Very
Special Christmas" from 1987. It’s not cutting edge, but it has
amazing songs by a diverse mix of artists that is sure to introduce
you to someone new.
Traditional songs like Stevie Nicks’ "Silent Night," Bob Seger’s
"The Little Drummer Boy" and The Pretenders’ "Have Yourself a Merry
Little Christmas" are unsurpassed both vocally and musically, and
Run-DMC’s "Christmas in Hollis" puts the antics of Beck and the
Presidents of the USA to shame. The compilation also features
artists with some staying power, like U2, Madonna and Sting, who
all deliver unusual covers.
With this as your soundtrack to Christmas, you’re bound to have
better food, more friends in town, fewer hangovers and better
bargains Dec. 26. Most likely, "Just Say Noel" and "O Come All Ye
Faithful" will be $3.99 in the Tower Records bargain bin. Keep
Grandma away!!
Kristin Fiore is a fifth-year art history student.