Monday, December 2, 1996
REFLECTION:
When you just need a moment to think, consider The Stall
I think that the relatively few minutes one spends in the stall
on the toilet are the most philosophically and emotionally
productive times of one’s life. I am not, of course, simply
referring to the physical pleasure of being on the toilet, for
these are pleasures which everyone appreciates and which are
downright vulgar to discuss in any sort of detail.
No one would argue with me when I say that so many of society’s
problems occur because people do not think through their actions
before they act. For example: suicide, murder and drug use. All of
these are things which are almost indisputably bad and harmful to
society as a whole. Yet why do these things occur on such a
frequent basis? Because people do not think. It is so difficult in
the lifelong rat race to simply sit down, reflect and reminisce
about the past; to ponder the future or query about the meaning of
our existence. Some people are able to find the thee, but they
can’t find the perfect place.
There is no question that one’s surroundings play an integral
role in what one thinks about and how seriously and often one
thinks about it. If one feels that no place worthy of profound
reflection exists, then they often don’t think enough. I submit
that every person in the world has the perfect place for reflection
and deep thought and that they even have the time, they just don’t
realize it: in the toilet stall.
Imagine a place for a moment that, although modest in size, is
virtually soundproof and sight-proof. One is effectively isolated
from the outside world. There is no question that in order to
objectively evaluate the nature of our existence or whatever it is
that one seeks to ponder, one must remove himself completely from
the world. Such a meditation can only occur when one extracts
themselves from reality and goes to a place of intellectual
serenity.
For example, if I wanted to examine my relationship with a girl,
it would be foolish to think I could come to an objective
conclusion when I am in the process of having a conversation with
her. Why? Because my perception of our relationship would be
momentarily warped by the fact that she is standing directly in
front of me in all of her beauty and tantalizing aura. It would no
doubt be best to wait until I have a moment alone to think most
clearly about how I feel about her and about where I want the
relationship to go.
Similarly, one cannot hope to evaluate or analyze reality, or to
think about the nature of man’s existence if they are mired in
contemporary reality itself or if they are in constant interaction
with others. Famed French poet Victor Hugo stated in a poem called
(in translation) "What one hears on the mountains" that one must
extract oneself from day-to-day life to an intellectual mountain
far away from mankind in order to evaluate anything
objectively.
In my view, the toilet stall is that intellectual abstraction
virtually independent of the tribulations and stresses of reality.
It provides the perfect surrounding for meditation and reflection
about life in general.
Zen Buddhists (to cite an extreme case) sit and, for almost
their entire lives, just think. They feel that they can reach a
state of enlightenment in doing so. Maybe they’ll find the meaning
of life or understand man’s role in the higher cosmological order.
Who knows? It is not my place to judge.
My point is that Zen Buddhism teaches us an important lesson
about the value of meditation and pure thought. People don’t think
enough before they act. I am of the opinion that people should
realize the potential of the toilet stall as a place where one can
go and attain unprecedented clarity of thought and
understanding.
On a very superficial level, when one is on the toilet, they are
undergoing a physical purging of themselves. The waste is pushed
from them and disappears forever. I believe that a psychological
purging should occur more often in the stall.
The consequences of such a practice would no doubt reduce the
amount and seriousness of the problems and crimes which now so
fiercely plague our society. I am sure that everyone knows to some
degree or another exactly what I am talking about, but they just
have to focus more. Daily trips to The Stall are mandated by God
Himself. He created human physiology in a manner that requires all
Homo sapiens to purge themselves at least once a day of the waste
that the body generates. If one thinks about it, the physical act
of ridding oneself of waste is kind of inefficient. It takes so
much time to go the bathroom. Time is money, and The Stall demands
lots of time.
Therefore, there is no question that God had something more
cryptic and spiritual in mind. After Adam and Eve ate of the tree
of knowledge, God surely could predict the corruption and greed
that would no doubt befall man once he grew in population and
intellect. Perhaps if men were forced to think before they acted,
God thought to Himself, then some of these problems could be
averted. Hence, the creation of the necessity of The Stall.
Yet over time, as society began to move faster and faster, and
people began to move faster and faster as well, God’s initial
intent behind creating the necessity of The Stall has been slowly
lost to the point where it is now completely forgotten. It is time,
my fellow Bruins, that we take advantage of the full potential of
The Stall and embrace it as a divine creation.
Earlier in the year, I wrote of Al Bundy, the Great Giver of
Wisdom. It should certainly come as no surprise that Al, a man so
close to God, embraces the value of The Stall. For the Great One
(by this I mean Al) The Stall became a place where he could escape
the ardors of the shoe sale business and reflect on life. It is no
secret that Al often felt trapped  almost claustrophobic
 in the reality he had created for himself. His family,
especially his wife, demanded so much attention from him. Selling
shoes to "whales in mumus" for over 25 years no doubt took a toll
on even the greatest of men.
If the respite and the escapism that The Stall provides were
taken away from Al, it is probable that the walls of a constricting
reality would crumble and fall on the Great Shoe Salesman. Perhaps
in a world that often seems ungodly to Al, The Stall is a very
direct manifestation of God Himself. Every time The Stall beckons
and Al heeds its call, he is escaping to a world of the utmost
purity and liberty. There is no question that such a genuine escape
could only be provided by the divine.
I think that I have certainly delineated, at least a bit, the
limitless potential of The Stall. It would give me great happiness
to continue but I feel the hand of the Divine pushing me away from
the computer. I gotta go to the bathroom!
Josh White is a second-year political science, French and
philosophy student.