Monday, October 14, 1996
DATING:
A woman’s guide for what to do, where to do it, how to do it and
even (gasp!) when not to do itBy Katherine Tom
OK, I’ve never really been one for relationship advice. Having
never managed a successfully monogamous relationship, the advice I
have to offer basically boils down to one of two maxims: "Deal with
it," or "Dump him."
I’ll admit, I have a short attention span, and this has
necessitated the development of certain skills.
These skills may not be as useful as open communication, trust,
and willingness to compromise, but they are the skills which once
enabled me to date six boys simultaneously with little or no
controversy. If you find my attitude offensive, fine. Don’t date
me. See if I care.
1. How to Meet Him. This is simple. As a girl, almost any line
works. Select your intended victim and just say what pops into your
head.
"Hey, how are you doing?" is a nice start, if a little boring.
My specialty is bar lines, but then, I’m an alcoholic. Be bold, be
daring, and above all, be confident.
Some lines have become so bad, they’re good again. "Hey Mister,
what’s you sign?" and "Hey there stranger, buy me a drink?" are old
standbys. You could try bumping into somebody and demanding that he
buy you a new drink. This approach might be too much for some, but
borderline rudeness has always worked wonders for me.
You don’t have to be a drinker to meet people (although it
certainly doesn’t hurt). You can meet people on campus, at
bookstores, coffee shops, at Narcotics Anonymous meetings, on the
street, at your dealer’s house, through a friend, better yet,
through the guys you’re dating. Ever notice how cute boys hang out
in packs?
Once you’ve infiltrated their little club, by all means, take
advantage.
The important thing is to recognize that opportunities are
everywhere, waiting to be grabbed or otherwise fondled.
2. What to Wear. It doesn’t matter. Oh, I love clothes as much
as the next girl, but it really doesn’t matter. I discovered this
first hand, in the middle of my moving crisis earlier this
year.
Homeless, and without access to my clothes, I knew I needed a
drink desperately. So I borrowed my friend’s white dress shirt and
belted it with a tie. Dressed like an utter freak, without makeup,
and in shoes that did not appear to have any explicable
relationship to my outfit, I went to the bars and did not pay for a
single drink all night.
This led me to the following conclusion: not only do boys not
care if your outfit is not fashionable, matching, or the right
size, they don’t even care if your outfit is so outrageously
bizarre that it necessarily implies the wearer of said outfit is
clinically insane. It also led to my plans to construct future
outfits out of a) the clothes I accrue from "the morning after,"
various flannels, T-shirts, and boxers from my former conquests
which I then wear to the bars in search of my next fashion
statement, b) various household objects like lawn and leaf bags,
paper towels, newspaper held together with twine, maybe even this
article, taped to my body, proving once and for all that the medium
truly is the message.
3. What to Look For. I mean, really, this is up to you (it takes
all kinds). But I would recommend avoiding anyone with a large gun
collection, married guys, conspiracy theorists, or people who
insist on doing inane impressions or synopses of movie scenes as
icebreakers at parties.What in God’s name do you think you’re
doing? You’re not funny, and you’re only embarrassing yourself.
Having talked to my girlfriends extensively on the subject, I’ve
noticed that while we may differ in taste on everything from height
to weight to hairstyle, certain universals do apply.
We’re all looking for Matthew McConnaughey.
Failing that, we want intelligence, sense of humor, general
niceness, and for those of us who are more superficial and
explicit: girth, stamina and lingual skills (and by lingual skills,
I do not mean proficiency in a foreign language, with the possible
exception of French. Ooh la la!). Boys, I have noticed, are
basically just looking for someone who swallows.
4. When to "Do It." My first instinct is to say as soon as
humanly possible. But boys are silly, pesky little creatures who
don’t know what they want.
Basically, here’s how it works. Your job as a woman is to
regulate the pace of the physical aspect of any relationship,
because even if a boy secretly thinks it’s too soon, he will never
turn down sex (And to all you weirdo boys who are going to write in
about the time you turned down a rabid Cindy Crawford, put your pen
down. I don’t really mean "not ever;" I’m willing to admit that
there are rare exceptions to even the most basic rules.).
This puts us girls in a difficult position. And not necessarily
the one we had in mind. Put it off for as long as you conceivably
can, and everyone involved will benefit.
Frankly, you can rush into things too soon, but it’s almost
never too late.
Take time to learn little things about him, like his name.
You’ll thank yourself for it afterward. Sleep with him on the first
date, and you might not find out until November that he’s a Dole
supporter. And then you’ll have to live out the rest of your life
knowing you had sex with a Republican.
"But Katherine," you say plaintively, "I’m a young, extremely
attractive girl with needs and desires like anyone else." And to
that I have to say, stay away from the bars I go to, I’m trying to
get laid here.
No, don’t fret. I’m on your side. Here’s what you do …
5. Having an Arrangement. In the perilous world of dating, it is
sometimes helpful to have a safety, or back-up. Most people call it
having a "fuck buddy," but since I am a genteel young lady who does
not condone the use of foul language, I refer to it as "an
arrangement."
This allows you to continue having regular sex with someone you
know while a) looking around for new boys, b) playing it cool with
the boys you may already be dating. Arrangements are wonderful;
they’re convenient and fun. They prevent you from having unsafe,
unsatisfying sex with strangers.
They can be your best friends, helping you through rejection
with both psychological and sexual consolation.
Arrangements are people with whom you feel comfortable. And they
are often the only constants in a dating world populated by wildly
unpredictable variables. But a good arrangement is hard to
find.
Very typically, he may be a potential datee with whom you have
reached the "just friends" stage. If you know it’s not going
anywhere, try modifying the little break-up speech to "Let’s just
be friends who have sex on a regular basis."
Most boys will not be offended by this. Rather, they will be
flattered, and quite possibly turned on (Incidentally boys, the
same is not true of most girls. I wouldn’t try this method of
breaking up, unless you enjoy having drinks dumped on your
head).
Make sure your arrangement is young and enthusiastic, because
you may have a problem otherwise. And now we come to the most
controversial item.
6. Male vs. Female Sex Drive. OK boys, I know you’re all virile,
strapping young men, and this could not possibly apply to you. But
my friends and I have something we’d like to bring up. Men think
about sex constantly when they’re not having it, but once they get
it, they don’t want it anymore. Well, not as often as they should.
Men simply do not have the stamina and endurance that women
have.
We understand, you’re the inferior sex. I hear women all the
time talking about their partner’s reluctance or inability to
perform.
And you men complain complain complain, "Again?" or "You’re
going to kill me." Come on boys. Toughen up.
Paired with my earlier revelation on when to have sex (#4), I
present you with the following hypothesis: Women will almost never
turn down sex with someone they are sleeping with, and men will
almost never turn down sex with someone they are not sleeping with.
You do the math. And so we come to …
7. The One Night Stand. This is the Macarena of modern dating. I
don’t think anyone besides the pointlessly stupid is out
specifically looking for a cheap one night stand (I can only hope I
haven’t offended any of my friends with that statement). But there
you are, in a bar, you down a few drinks, and before you know it,
there you are: "Hey Macarena!" So, it happens. It’s not the end of
the world.
But don’t make a habit of it. Because it’s just not safe dammit
 for you, and the rest of Westwood. So keep it in your pants
.
8. The Booty Call. If you’ve ever had an arrangement, you know
what this one is about.
The weird thing about dating students is how the line between
date and booty call becomes blurred.
So, a midnight booty call is just like a date that ran late.
They involve the same activities: drinking at the bars or going
to a party with a group of people. You could be dating some guy for
weeks and not even know it. The two o’clock booty call is
well-timed, and has a high success rate  people are drunk,
they’re back from the bars, but they still want to party. But any
later than three, and you might be dealing with someone who as
exhausted their little black book. Have a little pride; know when
to say when.
9. The Roommate Scene. Dating college boys is such a pain in the
ass, it’s a wonder people even bother.
Sorry boys. The majority of boys attending this school have a
roommate, making it virtually impossible to have a normal sex life.
Sure, roommates are pretty understanding for those occasional
exceptions, but they’re not going to sleep on the sofa every night.
And the roommate is eventually going to get laid, and then where
are you?
There are a few options open to those of you with roommate
issues.
a) Sex in Alternate Venues. Assuming you don’t want to rent a
hotel room every time you have sex, there are alternatives. The
back seat of his car is a traditional option. And if he doesn’t
have a car, or his own room, I’d suggest going back to the bars and
trying again.
b) Sex Outdoors. There are numerous outdoor venues available for
use in Westwood. There are nice grassy knolls around campus, and
most apartment complexes have a pool or deck area that are
conducive to skinny dipping followed by a lovemaking scenario.
Then again, it is getting kind of cold, and there’s always the
risk of getting caught. On the other hand, there’s always the risk
of getting caught.
c) Sex in the Common Area. You could try the living room, but I
wouldn’t recommend it.
Either you end up trapping his roommates and other occupants in
their respective bedrooms, or someone inevitably comes in the front
door with an entourage of 20 people, including your ex-boyfriend
and your history TA.
If you’re having sex in a fraternity house, do yourself a favor
and don’t allow yourself to be talked into using one of the common
rooms, as you will probably unwittingly find yourself being
videotaped.
10. Looking Around. OK, in Westwood, you are almost guaranteed
to find the young, the collegiate, and the chronically
impoverished.
But a quick jaunt around the Westside will let you expand your
horizons and sample the cornucopia of delights that the dating
world has to offer. Brentwood is like Westwood; the sequel-same
crowd, slightly older. They’re UCLA alumni with decent jobs. They
retain some of the bad habits of college boys, but are slightly
more "established." Along this vein, the bars in Santa Monica also
have a twenty- to thirty-something clientele  very preppy.
Try going downtown at happy hour for businessmen getting off
work.
But I do offer you this caveat  keep your eyes peeled for
wedding bands.
Hollywood is the classic place to meet musicians (i.e. drug
dealers) and young struggling actors (i.e. waiters), guaranteed to
frustrate you to no end with their violent mood swings and tendency
to heavy drug use.
That’s it. Now go out and give ’em hell.
Katherine Tom is a fifth-year English student.