Tuesday, October 8, 1996
OPINION:
Mountain biking, tiddly winks highlight weekendI love sports. I
firmly believe that the world would be a much better place if
everyone would just play more sports. They’re good healthy fun,
much better than all these drugs college kids consume. That’s why
I’m going on a bicycle ride in the mountains this weekend. I’ll be
flying down mountains, getting dirty, maybe stopping at the
mountain top for a picnic in the fresh mountain air.
"Biking?" my friend Bernie sneers. "That’s not a sport. Where’s
the competition in biking? Boy, are you an idiot."
Biting my lip in frustration, I call my other friend and cancel
the trip. I’m an athlete, and I don’t want to waste my time doing
anything but playing sports.
Releasing my frustration, I go to the golf course and play a
round of 18. Nothing makes me feel better than playing some
relaxing golf on a sunny day. Birds chirp happily, the sky is blue,
and I’m playing some great golf.
"What a sport," I say to Bernie when I get home.
"Golf?" he said, bewildered. "Are you going into retirement? You
know, when you play sports, you usually have to exert some energy.
It’s not a sport if you don’t sweat a single drop."
Embarrassed, but refusing to give up, I head to the gym to work
on my basketball skills. I started out somewhat lagging behind
everyone else, but as the summer continues I’m getting better and
better. I run five miles every morning, lift weights every
afternoon, and run windsprints at night. I eat only complex
carbohydrates. I am becoming more and more athletic every day.
It’s exhilarating. I am excelling more and more, playing with
better and better athletes. I love shooting the jumper. I love
juking the defender. I love posting up on the blocks and then
fading away. I even love defense.
I have gotten so good that I got signed by the Lakers, and
actually, I get a lot of minutes. I am playing basketball every day
with the best athletes in the world. I am as happy as I’ve ever
been.
One day Bernie shows up to our game versus the Clippers. I am
happy to see him. I feel like I have nothing left to prove.
"What do you think of all this?" I ask him boastfully.
"Well, it’s a shame," he muses. "With so much hype, it’s really
not a sport anymore. The purity is all gone. It’s just a business
now."
Security guards happened to be nearby, and they pulled me off of
Bernie just as I had floored him with a diving tackle.
Later that night I see myself being pulled off the court
hysterically. I call Bernie to apologize, and I mention that it
must be a sport if it’s on Sports Center.
"Like that means anything," Bernie said, bored. "They also show
cheerleading camps and lumberjack competitions and the Extreme
Games."
Weary and tired, I’ve stopped trying to play sports for a while.
Instead of wasting my time playing what might not be a sport, I
hang out and talk about what is and what isn’t a sport. I pepper my
friends with questions: "Is fencing a sport? Is bowling a sport? Is
jai alai a sport?" My questions always start a lengthy debate, but
I’ve yet to get an answer.
Amidst all of my newfound idleness, I have gained 15 pounds.
I’ve also lost a lot of coordination, so I keep tripping, falling,
and dropping everything  I only have two plates left in the
whole house because I keep breaking them. I also have a lot more
free time, and so I have a chance to see a lot more television
programs. My new favorite is "Roseanne." I feel like I can relate
to her.
Then two days ago when I was getting off the couch to make a
trip to the kitchen for some snacks, I tripped and fell down the
stairs into the basement. As I sat there hoping somebody would
rescue me, I noticed one of my favorite childhood games Â
Tiddly Winks  sitting in the corner. Since I first laid eyes
on it, I have played 50 games against myself.
I hope nobody ever finds me down here because I am finally
having fun again. I love Tiddly Winks: I love the tension as I line
up my shot, and it’s such a thrill when my chip-thing lands right
in that cup, or however it works.
I don’t care what is a sport and what isn’t  I don’t want
to talk about it. I don’t want to be dragged back into the debates.
I am becoming one of the best Tiddly Winks players in the world.
I’m a world-class athlete, and I have games to play.
Mark Dittmer is a Daily Bruin columnist. He has isolated himself
in the mountains in order to prepare for the upcoming Tiddly Winks
World Games.
Mark Dittmer