Monday, July 1, 1996
Experienced Bruin dispels dorm myths
When I first got into UCLA, I thought I was in paradise.
Finally, I was beginning my new life as a Bruin, far away from my
parents and all of those dorks in high school who were now
scrambling for jobs at McDonald’s and looking for a cool community
college where they could all kick it and try to look cool together.
HA! BASTARDS! Maybe ya should have taken a few advanced placement
classes, ya think? Fuckers! Sorry about that, I’m still a little
bitter.
Anyway, while I love UCLA, I wish people had told me about me
about a couple of things about life here that might have made my
transition a little easier. Since this is the Orientation issue and
a few of you unsuspecting freshmen may take a glance at my column,
I figured I’d put my vast experience as a third-year student to
good use and let ya’ll know a few harsh realities about life here
on campus. First, let’s dispel a few myths about college.
1. Dorm food sucks.
It does. There’s a reason why Taco Bell and Panda Express do so
well on campus even with their jacked up prices. It’s called Rieber
Hall’s Funky Kung Pao Chicken and any of Sproul Hall’s food.
Whoever invented the hot dog chili needs to be shot. And what the
hell is Fried Pollack, anyways? I feel so racist every time I order
it. The only food items I’ve ever enjoyed eating mass quantities of
at the residence halls were the salad and the jello. This is
because lettuce has no taste and jello, well, hell, everybody loves
jello!
2. Your roommate will be your best friend.
While most roommate relations are relatively smooth, expect
problems. Remember, you’re gonna be sharing a room the size of a
large shoe box with a person you have never met before for nine
long months. Basically, if you want to avoid conflict with your
roommate bring any troubling issue out in the open and talk about
it. You don’t enjoy the fact that your 300-pound roommate likes to
walk around butt-naked? Discuss it. You don’t appreciate the fact
that your roommate likes to masturbate in your closet? Begin a
frank dialogue. Your roommate likes to stab a large pillow that has
your name stenciled in red ink with a large butcher knife? Move
out. Satanic altars and 8-foot bongs are good tip offs of oncoming
trouble.
3. Dorm showers aren’t that bad.
Okay, before I started school, some of my friends told me there
might be a slight chance that I would develop a trifling case of
athlete’s foot  no one told me I’d have fucking mushrooms
growing on my toes by the end of fall quarter. I thought my feet
were gonna fall off. My advice: Buy thongs now!
And for you women out there, watch out for them peeping toms.
Every year some pervert gets it in his head that the best way to
impress a girl is by spying on them while they’re half-blind with
soap and water. Ladies, buy mace now. It makes a very good
discourager for peeping toms and is also very useful at
parties.
4. UCLA = ORGY
Forget it. Like most of you out there, I thought for sure my
first year would be a constant bed-burning experience. I was
convinced that I was gonna triple Trojan’s condom’s stock
personally. Needless to say, I was slightly mistaken.
Most of my first year was spent just trying to fit in, meet new
people, pass most of classes and not land in the tormenting land of
academic probation my first year. But don’t worry, your second year
will be great! Trust me.
5. Drugs and alcohol are everywhere.
While there is a very large drug culture on campus and alcohol
is pretty much everywhere, beer is not served alongside your Rieber
Crystal Light Lemonade, and weed does not have its own shaker
nestled between the salt and pepper.
If you are an aficionado of these particular substances (Lord
knows I don’t touch the stuff!), you have to look in the right
places, know the right people, have the right connections and know
my pager number. Just kidding, guys! I don’t even have a pager!
(That number again is 765-4321 area code 1-900.)
Anyways, that should cover most of the important stuff,
everything else you’re gonna have to figure out by yourself. Just
don’t panic, relax, drink a smoothie, grab a Diddy Riese ice-cream
sandwich and go watch a free movie at Ackerman. College will be the
best experience of your life, and UCLA is the best school in the
country. Later, peace and hair grease.
Torres is a third-year psychology student who specializes in
avoiding freaks on Bruin Walk.
Illustration by Steve Redd/Daily Bruin