Monday, April 1, 1996
Loving sacrifices do not jeopardize feminist principlesWhen I
get married, I want to take my husband’s last name. Don’t tell me I
am giving in to a male-dominated society. Come on, it’s the
father’s last name that many women insist they will retain or
hyphenate. Besides, love and marriage are not about domination or
whose surname reigns. Marriage is not the coexistence of two
separate agendas. Marriage is unity and sacrifice. As Jonathan
Richman sings, "In love you must surrender." Some people are too
self-centered to realize that love requires submission.
Yes, I will be submissive to my husband  in the loving
sense of the word. Men and women should be submissive to each
other. I’m saddened when I hear a woman proudly proclaim that she
will not give an inch to her husband if it means sacrificing her
own happiness. I know two couples who divorced because the wives
refused to move when their husbands relocated to another state.
That’s not love  except of oneself.
There is a fine line between giving in and not compromising what
is truly important. The struggle for women is to balance pressures
to succeed in both the career and family spheres. In the fight for
social equality, some women get carried away and lose the ability
to concede in personal relationships. Perhaps it is because they
fear losing what women’s liberation has gained.
I choose to separate my personal life from my political beliefs
about gender issues. I won’t mind changing my last name and
becoming a part of the person I love. I like to shed my workplace
toughness and feel protected and sheltered by him. I want him to be
attracted to me and to treat me like a lady. Even though I struggle
to be independent and strong, I admit it feels good to let go and
depend on him, to have his arm around me and act like a little
girl. But he had better beware, because sometimes that little girl
becomes a raging feminist.
I don’t even know what sets me off  sometimes it’s the
most subtle of things. Like when a male companion forgets to
introduce me to someone and I just stand there like one of his
accessories. I hate when we both meet a guy at the same time, and
only the men shake hands. I have to stick my hand out, or else I’m
just a nonessential sidekick. Guys do this a lot. They don’t even
look women in the eye when they meet us. And if they do shake our
hand, they grasp only our fingers and condescend to us with the
most flimsy of gestures.
Some men prefer to sweep our arguments  with a chuckle
 under the insulting and condescending PMS doormat rather
than listen. They blame moodiness on the premenstrual syndrome: "Do
you have PMS or something?" Big mistake. In a strained tone that
suggests imminent trouble, I reply, "No, I do not (they’re usually
wrong). Are you trying to tell me that I don’t have a valid reason
to be angry? Are you ridiculing me? What? I don’t have a good
enough reason to be upset, so it must be biological?" I’m bothered
when men try to explain away my anger as an effect of PMS.
And worse than these examples are those of inherent sexism
thriving in today’s society. Men continue to whistle at passing
women and write songs that treat us as sex objects.
Catcalls are offensive. I do not understand how some men have
the gall to whistle at a stranger, making her feel uncomfortable
and degraded. These boors actually think hooting will attract a
woman. Why is this behavior still acceptable? There would be
universal outrage if racial slurs were yelled to passersby.
Songs can be more offensive than whistling. I went to the Campus
Events Skafest last month and saw a band that I really enjoyed
 the Skeletones. I enjoyed them until I heard lyrics that
went something like this: "I love to lick pussy." The song went on
and on, mocking and defiling women. I stopped skanking and looked
around at the men and women who should have been equally
sickened.
How can men laugh and cheer and continue to dance to such a
song? Why do men from an intellectual environment such as UCLA
allow each other to get away with celebrating those lyrics? Where
is political correctness in social settings? Why aren’t men held
responsible for their behavior toward women? There is something
wrong here. There is no excuse in this day and age for men to go
along with female objectification. Yet they do. I think many guys
merely humor feminists, but inside they haven’t really changed at
all.
I have changed. I am more of a feminist now, after reading
literature for my English major about women who break free from
male bondage, women beaten by their husband or tormented by
patriarchal constraints. I don’t believe women should do the
housework or serve men. Yet, I do believe that my future husband
will lift the heavy things, kill the spiders and work on the car.
So call me a hypocrite. I admit I subscribe to a double standard.
However, there are some things I can do, but don’t want to do.
I can open my own door, but I don’t need to prove that. I’d much
rather have my boyfriend respect me as a lady and treat me right.
That includes opening doors, giving me his arm, not using vulgarity
around me and respecting my beliefs. I expect these things and I
believe that is a form of feminism in itself.
Some feminists want to erase all differences between men and
women. However, if we are the same, then we are supplementary. I
want to be more than replaceable. I want to be valued and needed
for my unique qualities. Our differences should be embraced; men
and women should be complementary. The difficulty is in deciding
how. The personal duality I face between feminism and femininity
relates to a larger picture. Working women don’t want to sacrifice
glamour and femininity for respect on the job. Yet, glamour
essentially involves making yourself sexually attractive. How do we
reconcile this?
Part of the answer lies in men. I don’t care if women
intentionally or unintentionally make themselves up to be
attractive, men have no right to treat them as anything but fellow
humans. Society has let men off the hook for too long, particularly
in reference to songs, such as the Skeletones’, and to sexual slurs
that continue to exist as "jokes."
In the trial of equality, women have had the burden of proof.
They have had to convince generally passive men of their female
ability and equality. OK, OK; you’re equal, say the men as they
pass laws for us. But inside, men haven’t actively changed, and
this type of change is something neither legislation nor women can
effect. It is time for men to become more responsible and to
control their urges.
Many people don’t even realize that they are sexist, but they
need to catch themselves. I caught a male friend of mine
complaining about a book. The protagonist detective was female, and
he couldn’t picture a woman in that role. It wasn’t a woman that
gave him his attitude. He needs to analyze himself and change why
he thinks that way.
My boyfriend has it rough, because I demand gentlemanly behavior
and I expect him to fulfill my feminist expectations. Sometimes I
want him to baby me and care for me. Other times, I assert my
independence and demonstrate how I don’t need him. It feels right
to empower myself with feminist thoughts  and it also soothes
me to surrender in love.
The feminist movement struggles with the same duality. Women are
simultaneously pulled toward a new womanhood and toward the very
human need to be cared for and wanted. Does independence from men
make us truly happy? To survive, feminists will need to decide how
to balance and define the changing role of women.
I can’t iron out the contradictions within me. I admit, I want
it both ways. My boyfriend’s job is to read my mood and figure out
how I want to be treated in each situation. I don’t envy him, but
then again, I’m ready to take his last name as my own.
Rich is a third-year English/American studies student and the
assistant viewpoint editor. Her column appears on alternate
Mondays.
Even though I struggle to be independent … I admit it feels
good to … depend on him, to have his arm around me and act like a
little girl.Comments to webmaster@db.asucla.ucla.edu