Sexual problems rampant among UCLA students
Dear Darlene:
I don’t feel like I’m ready for sex yet, but I don’t know how to
tell my girlfriend without making her think I don’t like her. What
can I say without sounding like a dweeb?
Tongue-Tied
Dear Tongue-Tied:
At one time or another, we’re all afraid of saying the wrong
thing and sounding dumb, especially where relationships are
concerned. Sometimes in matters of the heart, it seems like you
can’t win. If you’re honest with the other person about what you
need, you may risk being rejected, but if you’re not honest, you
might find yourself doing something you don’t want to do. So what’s
the answer?
First, know there are lots of ways to let someone know that you
care about them without having sex. Second, realize that sometimes
talking about your real feelings can be hard. Being good at
communication is a skill, so let me share a few of my communication
tips. Keep in mind the more you practice them, the better you’ll
be.
Use "I" statements. Basically, this is a way to phrase your
sentences so you’re talking about how you feel. For example, you
could say, "I really like you, and I want to be with you. I’m not
ready to have sex yet, but I really want us to be together." Notice
how these comments focus on your feelings. When you do this, your
partner doesn’t feel attacked or put-down and is more likely to be
receptive to you – then you can listen to her feelings.
Use the "sandwich" technique. With this, you "sandwich" a
statement that might be perceived as negative between two
statements that might be perceived as positive. If you look at the
example above, you’ll see that it started by saying something nice
and ended that way too. Keep in mind that all of the comments
should be true. You wouldn’t want to lie or that would defeat the
whole idea of being honest.
Contrary to what most of us have been led to believe, being in a
relationship isn’t always easy. It means that sometimes you have to
put yourself on the line by being open about who you really are and
what you really need. That can be scary, but when the other person
accepts you anyway, it feels pretty great.
Dear Darlene:
There’s so many brands of condoms out there. Which do you
recommend? Which ones feel the best?
Only the Best
Dear Only the Best:
You’re right, there are lots of different condom brands on the
market today, but there are really just a few things you need to
know to be able to make a smart decision. First, if you want to be
protected against sexually transmitted diseases, buy a latex
condom. Most of the condoms in stores these days are latex anyway,
but there are other choices too. Lambskin condoms are good
protection against pregnancy, but are not so good when it comes to
STDs. And the new polyurethane condoms called Avanti have a higher
breakage rate than latex condoms.
Next, look for a condom that has a receptacle tip. Although it’s
not essential, it can make condom-use more effective. The number
one reason condoms break is that there’s not enough room left at
the tip of the condom to catch the semen. With a receptacle tip,
you can easily leave the 1Ž2 inch space needed for that.
Third, check the expiration date. It should be stamped on the
box. If it’s not, don’t buy it.
So which condom is the best? Several studies have been done to
figure out which condoms are least likely to break. Although
different tests have come up with different results, two brands
consistently make the top five list on all the studies I’ve seen:
Ramses and Sheik.
As far as which condom is most pleasurable, that’s a matter of
personal preference. Some men will hate a condom that other men
will love and vice versa. The best way to find the condom that is
right for you is to experiment with different brands. How’s that
for a homework assignment?
Dear Darlene:
I’m a fourth-year senior, and I’m female. I’ve had sex before,
and it’s been nice, but I’ve never had an orgasm. Although my
boyfriend means well, he seems to be on a mission to give me an
orgasm, and sex is turning into a pressure-filled situation. It’s
not that I wouldn’t like to have an orgasm, but sometimes I find
myself avoiding sex just so I don’t have to deal with this. What
should I do?
Unhappy
Dear Unhappy:
It sounds like everyone is trying really hard here, but as you
know, the more you try to make an orgasm happen, the less likely it
will.
There’s a couple of things to consider – the first is how much
the both of you know about how a woman has an orgasm.
Many people are under the misconception that intercourse is the
best way for a woman to climax. While this may be true for some
women, it’s not true for most. The reality is that the clitoris is
orgasm-central for most women. That means that the clitoris needs
to be stimulated somehow during intercourse. No stimulation, no
orgasm.
The next issue is the concept of your boyfriend "giving you" an
orgasm. Sex can indeed become stress-filled if the man feels it’s
his "job" to provide the woman with an orgasm, and it’s the woman’s
"job" to respond. This approach to sex usually leads to frustration
and a feeling that sex is a performance, as you well know.
A better approach would be for you to learn what feels best for
you and tell him what you’d like. For many women this is difficult
because they don’t know enough about their bodies. That’s why the
more you can learn about your body, the better for both of you.
Some women find it difficult to have an orgasm because they feel
tense or guilty about having sex in the first place. This isn’t
uncommon. If this is your experience, you may want to consider
counseling to explore some of these feelings.
Lastly, it’s possible that having an orgasm with each sexual
experience may not be as important to you as it is to your
boyfriend. If that’s true for you, you should tell him that. In any
case, the two of you need to talk about this situation. If each of
you is dealing with this alone, it won’t be good for your
relationship.
Darlene Mininni, Sexual Health Education Program coordinator in
the UCLA Student Health Service. Please send your questions about
sex and relationships to: Dear Darlene, UCLA Student Health
Service, A2-130 Center for Health Sciences, Los Angeles, CA
90095-1703. Questions can be e-mailed to dmininni @ saonet.ucla.edu
or faxed to (310) 206-8012. She can only respond to your questions
through this column.Comments to
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