Cowboys a match for J.J. Stokes and his 4.7

Cowboys a match for J.J. Stokes and his 4.7

Eric Billigmeier

I ran into J.J. Stokes at Headlines about a month ago. Or so.
Forgive me, my memory is a tad clouded ­ March was a bit of a
blur for me (don’t ask me why).

Anyway, that was the last time I was able to say much more than
hello to J.J., and, to be real, this encounter wasn’t much more
than that either. But at least I got to ask him a question ­
like the diligent little reporter I am, I caught up with our hero
outside on the sidewalk and inquired, "Say, J.J., when is that
workout for all the NFL scouts?"

He replied that it was scheduled for a bit later in the month,
and added that he and BYU quarterback John Walsh had been preparing
for a few weeks together already. I thought, hey, that workout
would be pretty fun to watch ­ a bunch of grown men wearing
football coach’s shorts (you know, those super-tight, puke-gray
butt-huggers that today could pass for the undergarments worn by
world champion bicyclists), carrying stopwatches and drooling over
a couple of sweaty young lads in helmets. Yum.

With that in mind, I marked down March 14 in my calendar (that’s
a totally made-up date ­ I don’t even remember what the real
date was. Hell, I’m not even sure what the word date means anymore)
and made a point of getting out to Spaulding Field to partake in
the festivities.

And, boy, was it a great time. Just like I had imagined it
­ lots of grass on the field, footballs flying through the
air, free pony rides for the kids.

Okay, I overslept. But I heard it was pretty cool.

Actually, to be totally honest, I heard it pretty much sucked.
And not because the dudes in the tight shorts didn’t show. And not
because Walsh couldn’t throw deep. And certainly not because all
the scouts were overwhelmed by the aura that oozes like buttah from
the UCLA football practice field.

No, I’m told the day sucked because J.J. didn’t run very
fast.

That’s correct, kids, your hero, No. 18, the tall, muscular
drink of water who helped put the "SUC" back in USC ­ J.J.
Stokes, he could only run the magical 40 yards in 4.7 seconds.

Oh my god. For criminy sakes, what are we gonna do? 4.7 seconds?
Jesus, J.J., how slow can you be? I mean, I’ll cut you some slack
­ I’m sure your shoulders were tired from carrying the team
for the past three or so years, but what kind of excuse is
that?

Just 4.7 seconds. Good lord, there are so many things that I
could do in that time, it’s ridiculous. Such as, I could …

Run 80 yards.

All right, that’s all I can think of right now.

(Perhaps Tyus Edney could think of something ­ oh, no,
wait, he needed 4.8 seconds. What a slowpoke.)

Anyhow, do you get my drift? If not, here’s the gist: first off,
4.7 seconds is not exactly snail’s pace, especially for a
6-foot-6-inch dude that carries a hefty 225 just outta the shower.
And secondly, who gives a rat’s toucus?

What we need to keep in mind here is that we’re talking about
J.J. Stokes, for cryin’ out loud. Terry Donahue didn’t recruit the
kid for his blazing speed. He recruited him for his "football-ness"
(that’s a new one, Coach. Try using it in the same sentence as
"difference-maker," and you’ll be a huge hit). Other coaches were
insane enough to pass on Stokes out of high school, some because he
was a "tweener" ­ too big and "slow" for a wideout, too lanky
for a tight end ­ and most because of that "iffy" speed.

Ah, what we all would give for a second chance.

Sir Terry got the future legend, and he watched him take over
the program and engage the student body like no football player
I’ve personally witnessed on any level. And interestingly enough,
not once during J.J.’s four glorious seasons here did I hear a peep
out of the he’s-got-no-wheels skeptics. All we heard was the crunch
of crow being eaten and the plaintive wails (I got that from the
O.J. trial ­ you remember the dog’s plaintive wail. Oh, go
ahead and admit it) of outsmarted coaches across the country.

But now we’re hearing it all over again: J.J.’s got no
speed.

Yeah, well, maybe so. Maybe your guy can run faster than him.
Maybe your guy can beat him to the 40-yard mark by a half-step.
Maybe.

But he ain’t no J.J.

And that, boys and girls, is what these stopwatch-worshipping
mongrels had better get through their thick skulls before Saturday
­ because that’s the day that a whole bunch of really stupid
general managers and coaches will get together to draft a bunch of
players who are nowhere near the caliber of J.J. They’ll sit there
in their war rooms, drinking their Evian under the glare of the
ESPN camera, and they’ll make like they know what they’re doing.
But they won’t.

They won’t know what they’re doing, because they’ll pick Michael
Westbrook and Joey Galloway and Joe Sprint from Youngstown State
who ­ holy stopwatch, Batman! ­ ran a 4.3 at the combine,
and they’ll pick all those guys ahead of that worthless schmo out
in Westwood who could only manage a 4.7. And every time one of
those picks is announced ­ especially if it involves a team
that desperately needs a wide receiver (did somebody mention the
Rams?) ­ I’m gonna laugh my chubby little butt off, and I hope
you will join me (oh, c’mon, you know you’ll be watching all 17
hours of live coverage).

You know, when I think about it, I’ll be cheering every time a
team passes on J.J. in the first round. Doggone it, I hope 27 teams
make that blunder. That way, the Cowboys could get him ­ we’re
pretty good at drafting "slow," big, strong wide receivers and
turning them into Pro Bowlers (read: Michael Irvin).

And wouldn’t J.J. be just a perfect fit for Big D? It just
doesn’t seem fair to subject our hero to anything less …

Jacksonville and Carolina? They’ve got more pressing needs than
wide receiver.

Tampa Bay? Let’s not be mean.

The Rams? What, are you not listening? That’s just plain
cruel.

Washington? Nah, they’re still grooming Desmond Howard.

The Jets? Oh, man, J.J.’s from San Diego. He’s not into that
cold weather business. So while you’re at it, take off Green Bay,
Chicago, the Giants, Denver, Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, Cleveland,
Cincinnati, Buffalo and New England.

The Raiders? They’ve already got 23 wide receivers on their
roster. (Too bad only one of them is any good.)

Kansas City? Joe’s gone, and he’s taking the Chiefs’ passing
game with him.

Seattle? J.J.’s never been a good dome receiver (Actually, I
don’t think he’s ever played in a dome, but what the heck, let’s
eliminate the ‘Hawks, Atlanta, New Orleans, Minnesota, Detroit,
Houston and Indy anyway.)

Arizona? Let’s see, play for Buddy Ryan or take that offer from
the CFL? Hmmm…

All that leaves is Miami and Dallas (San Fran and San Diego
draft behind the Pokes). And we all know which of those two teams
has the better quarterback. So, hands down, it looks like the
Cowboys are the winners in the J.J. Stokes derby. Hopefully all of
you GM types out there will heed this advice.

You heard it here first: J.J. Stokes is too slow to play in the
National Football League ­ for any team other than the Dallas
Cowboys. In which case, he’s the perfect selection. So lay off, you
weasels, he’s ours.

How come I’m getting the feeling that they’re not listening to
me?