A law enforcement lesson
By Jeff Hornaday
I am writing in response to those deviants who have blamed the
phenomenon of student anarchy on external forces, even criticizing
the role of our guardians of domestic order.
Two weeks ago, amidst the explosive chaos of unruly youths, I
was made fully aware of this town’s desperate need for a heavy
police presence. As Pete Wilson crusades to fill California’s
streets with more police, too many end up in dangerous
neighborhoods risking their lives and wasting taxpayer’s money on
hopeless career criminals. But now they are wising up. It’s time to
crack down on those free-thinking students who stalk the dark
alleys of Westwood.
But which students could they be? When was the last time you
spotted a UCLA student thinking freely? Where could those young
catalysts of civil war be hiding out? Well, it took about nine
dozen more patrol cars than we usually see in Westwood, but when
UCLA won the NCAA Championship those rabble-rousers among you were
effectively identified, neutralized and detained. So if you don’t
think we needed that many stormtroopers in Westwood, I offer you
the case of three laser technicians.
While basketball fans cheered in the street, the LAPD’s most
prized resource, her eye in the sky, spotted three dissidents on a
patio wielding a 30-watt red-filtered disco light. Surely, they
endangered the lives of every person and police officer in a
five-mile radius. It is they who represent the true source of
disharmony in this town. So these three students, and none else,
were taken down to jail, where they would pay the price for
discharging a laser at an aircraft (247.5 pc). That’s a felony,
y’know! Their bail stood at a fair $15,000 Â per felon.
I confess, I confess! And I was out of jail three days later
with all charges dropped, but I deserve more. Three nights in the
slammer was not enough. I deserve a life sentence for my crimes! I
doubted the omnipotence of the LAPD and their hovering helicopter,
but now I walk free! I can eat right next to you at the Cooperage.
I can walk past you on Bruin Walk.
Yet I, for a moment, suspected imperfection in the methods and
tactics of a higher power. I don’t deserve to live! I guess what’s
important is that they caught us at an early stage, before we could
actually commit any crime, without their having to fire a single
shot from the three guns they had drawn on us.
And now we’ve learned a lesson in law enforcement that we’ll
never forget. So just remember: They wouldn’t dress in blue, if
they didn’t know what’s best for you!
Hornaday, a fourth-year political science student, is an
aspiring laser technician.