Gays should enjoy benefits of legalized marriage
Tony Spano, Jr.
"One should always be in love. That is the reason one should
never marry."
– Oscar Wilde
The first movie I ever saw in a theater was Snow White. The
story is harmless: A fair maiden cast under an evil spell is
rescued by a handsome Prince Charming. Our childhood stories are
filled with delicate maidens and chivalrous princes who live
happily ever after. But this version of "happily ever after" never
satisfied my imagination. I was a young lad without visions of
sleeping beauties dancing in my head  I had fantasies of my
very own Prince Charming.
I grew up gay. Along with my countless gay and lesbian brothers
and sisters, I was surrounded by positive heterosexual role models
that did nothing but confuse me. Think of all the fairy tale
romances we endured. From Adam and Eve to Romeo and Juliet, Mickey
and Minnie to Charles and Diana, we live in a hetero fantasyland
uninhabited by any Adam and Romeo or Diana and Juliet.
Despite being bombarded by heterosexuality, I am still gay.
Coming from a large Italian family, I attended many weddings
while growing up. I would dream of having my very own wedding
complete with friends, family, great pasta, a cake and a band.
Now, however, I’ve lost my appetite for it. Maybe it’s the
hetero angst of letting us into their secret society that repels
me. Maybe it’s because the romantic ideal of marriage is turning
into a tragic hetero institution with a 50 percent divorce rate.
Like Mae West once said, "Marriage is a great institution, but I’m
not ready for an institution yet."
Poised on the verge of redefining matrimony is the state of
Hawaii, however, which has cracked open the legal doors to marriage
between same-gender couples. Many legal challenges have been
mounted in the past throughout the country, but all have ultimately
failed until now. The Hawaii Supreme Court has sent the issue back
to the lower courts citing there are no legal grounds to prevent
such unions.
Could it be one day that I will fly to Honolulu with Scott, my
boyfriend, to enter into wedded bliss? As the Hawaiian lower courts
sort out the legal issues before returning it to the state’s high
court, the rest of the country begins the debate. It’s an issue
that will soon make noise in the federal courts, state
legislatures, Congress and finally the U.S. Supreme Court (not to
mention radio and TV talk shows and newspaper editorials, a la the
"gays in the military" debate).
It’s hard to believe that only a mere 28 years ago the American
high court struck down state prohibitions on interracial marriage.
In the last six years, Denmark, Norway and Sweden have allowed
same-gender couples to register with the government and receive
most of the legal benefits of marriage. In the throes of change,
our society has begun to examine and define the postmodern family
that now includes gay and lesbian couples and parents.
In our own great country, pushing over this pillar of
discrimination is long overdue. In the meantime, we must go through
the rounds of listening to religious imperialists crying "Sinner!"
I reject the feeble disclaimer, "Love the sinner, hate the sin." In
my opinion, there’s nothing more insolent and demeaning than the
babble of so-called fundamentalist Christians who are better at
practicing hate than love.
I understand there will always be those who will never tolerate
or accept me, and those who will even hate me. I possess great
patience to overcome such nonsense as I strive to be a positive
role model. More than just a desire to change people’s minds, I
wish to educate their ignorance and dampen their intolerance.
Imagine falling in love, sharing a life for years, even decades.
Imagine the grief of losing your spouse in death. Imagine not being
able to visit your spouse in the hospital or sign medical
releases.
Imagine being considered nothing more than a "good friend" who
cannot determine life-support or burial arrangements, who receives
no spousal insurance or Social Security survivor benefits. Imagine,
after spending your life with someone, being denied the rights and
privileges hetero couples take for granted like reduced insurance
rates, employee-benefit plan coverage or joint income tax
filing.
Thousands of gay and lesbian couples are "married" every year.
To celebrate their committed relationships, they participate in
union ceremonies that are religious or private. But the continuing
prejudice from small-minded zealots keeps gay and lesbian citizens
from fully participating in the pursuit of happiness.
America may have a strong Christian foundation, but Thomas
Jefferson and his pals composed a Constitution which separates the
church and state. Because of this, American citizens are obliged to
live by the laws of the Constitution, not the Bible. Americans are
a diverse mix of religions and beliefs  we are not all
Christians commanded to follow Biblical law.
And let’s not forget to mention the vast numbers who preach it
but practice it selectively. Many churches and faiths have
performed same-gender unions. A growing minority of priests and
rabbis as well as ministers from every faith have recognized the
value of these relationships. In the final analysis, church is
separate from state. Let the churches decide individually, but let
the law allow collectively.
Our silly world only becomes sillier when Speaker of the House
Newt Gingrich compares homosexuality to alcoholism and the Roman
Catholic Pope issues medieval-inspired encyclicals. It’s no wonder
people are torn between doing what is good and doing what is masked
as good.
Isn’t the Pope a well-meaning humanitarian and Gingrich a
determined savior of American society? Aren’t Pat Buchanan and Pat
Robertson simply waging a great holy war to save the soul of a
country? It sounds innocent enough, but these fanatics have created
a climate of fear and hate while preaching behind a facade of
amiable tolerance that is exclusionary at best.
Again, thousands of gay and lesbian couples are "married" every
year in union ceremonies that are ultimately the celebration of a
successful relationship in the face of those who would rather pass
laws against us than communicate.
It is not the desire of many gay and lesbian couples to
associate themselves with the hetero ritual of marriage  a
ritual rife with patriarchal overtones and superficial unions
concocted for convenience. Rather, it is our fundamental desire to
practice our constitutional and absolute human right to pledge love
and commitment to another human being and enjoy the benefits of
that union without discrimination or prejudice.
As time propels us forward, preventing legal same-sex marriages
may seem as ridiculous as the prevention of interracial marriages
once was. I only hope it happens within my lifetime and that rather
than flying to Hawaii to marry Scott, I hope I can marry him in our
own home, wherever in this country it may be.
It’s the one fairy tale I hope comes true.
Spano is a second-year graduate student in the music
department.