A UCLA alumnus singing the ‘real world’ blues
Dawn Mabalon
Call me insane, but I miss school. Call it whatever you want
 post-grad blues, UCLA withdrawal, whatever. I just don’t
like this real world thing called life after college.
I’m not alone in this depressed state. One of my soul sisters, a
fellow Filipina journalist and NYU grad, called me a few weeks
ago.
"I just love my new job," she said. She works as a reporter at a
New Jersey newspaper. "I have money to buy books, clothes and CDs.
I love my new car."
Then she got quiet. "I miss school," I whined.
"I do too," she said. Then we got depressed, mumbled some
niceties and meaningless words of support and promptly hung up.
After graduation last June, I looked forward to my year off
between undergraduate and grad school with great anticipation. I’d
work. I’d save money. I’d travel. I’d apply to grad school and take
the dreaded GRE. Moreover, I’d have fun. No midterms, finals or
papers. No more shelling out hundreds of dollars for history
books.
Here it is December already, however, and it’s just not working
out. I have gone nowhere and have saved next to nothing. The 9 to 5
grind is just that  a grind, though I truly love my job. I
find myself becoming more and more adult by the day.
Some scary examples: I have dry cleaning to pick up weekly and
car insurance bills. I find myself buying things like houseplants
and throw rugs, and frequenting the chocolate and nuts aisle of
Trader Joe’s on National and Westwood.
I’m listening to classical music before I go to sleep. I bought
a membership at Holiday Spa that I never use. I can actually afford
to eat out. I can read books that have nothing to do with school. I
go to sleep early because I have to get up at 7:30 a.m.
But I still don’t feel comfortable in this adult mode. And worse
yet, my year off from school hasn’t been the most productive
anyway.
Now that I have more time, I do nothing with it but constantly
reorganize old school papers, attend in-staff meetings, coalition
group meetings, Samahang meetings, board meetings and just plain
meetings and shop.
GRE? Isn’t that Dec. 10? I opened the tutorial book two weeks
ago and the geometry scared me so much I haven’t approached the
book since.
Students filter in and out of the office on their way to
classes, review sessions, meetings with TAs and professors and
lunch appointments at Coop or the Treehouse, and it takes all my
strength to stay in the office and not run after them.
I peruse the course catalog and I see classes I wish I had
taken. I jump at the chance to proofread other people’s history
papers or to talk to people about my major, especially during the
peer counseling sessions I do as part of my job.
All I can think about is how I miss the first day of classes and
the ink smell of new history books. I love the collective
bargaining and sharing that goes on in review sessions, and pink
highlighter pens and taking good notes.
I miss visiting interesting TAs and professors in office hours,
and good discussion sections and the maze that is URL. And I even
miss the marble floors of Murphy Hall. I miss writing papers, and
that point at 3 a.m. when you’ve finally got the flow going, your
thesis is clear and nothing can stop you.
"So how’s the adult life?" various family members asked me over
Thanksgiving break. I know they’re thanking God under their breath
that I actually found a job after graduation, and that it wasn’t at
some newspaper in Nebraska writing obituaries. They’re mildly
amused with me, I know, but they try to be supportive.
I must admit that the first few months of freedom after
graduation are great. I loved having the summer and my life laid
out ahead of me. I bought a UCLA alumni license plate frame, and
armed with my B.A., felt ready to face the world. I bought a new
car. I got a new job.
Then October came, and as I watched my friends stress about
classes and talk about new people they had met and anal TAs, I
started feeling blue. This is it? I asked myself. This is the real
world?
November rolled over me, and a nagging thought  graduate
school  evolved into deep concern. Oh yeah. Graduate school.
When is that GRE test? Where do I want to apply? Is grad school
what I want to do with my life?
I had a plan when I graduated in June  I wanted to get my
master’s degree in Asian American Studies here at UCLA Â but
with all of my other post-grad depressions and self-doubts, my
life’s goals seem so blurry and far away. In the real world, one
thinks first of the gas bill and then, maybe, of life’s goals and
ambitions.
Here I am in December already, and I’ve barely begun thinking
about a Statement of Purpose. Do I even have a purpose? And if so,
what is it? I feel listless, bored and I am probably fairly boring
to hang out with. I need to find other post-grads and commiserate
about having nothing to do but wait until next fall.
So I’m complaining. I have little to complain about. I have a
car, a good job and a fairly good chance of getting into graduate
school. Maybe it’s really nothing, and the emptiness I feel will
pass, and I’ll begin to enjoy not having to study and not learning.
And maybe I’ll have to get a hobby, like needlepoint or
something.
Mabalon graduated in June with a bachelor’s degree in history
and Asian American studies. She is the director of SPEAR, Samahang
Pilipino Education and Retention Project.