Coming out: a gay Army sergeant’s announcement
Leland Kim
I sat nervously on a cold, hardwood chair across a desk from a
weather-beaten sergeant first class whose leathery face served as a
reminder of his many years in the military. My Army recruiter had
picked me up early that morning in 1990 to begin an entire day’s
worth of examinations and paperwork to complete my enlistment into
the U.S. Army.
As my contract lay conspicuously in front of my eyes, I realized
that I would be making the biggest decision of my 17-year-old life.
Images of my parents and friends warning me that I’m making a
mistake flashed in my mind. I listened unattentively to the
sergeant as he explained the different sections of my contractual
obligations.
Fighting to keep my pen from shaking, I signed the dotted line.
After raising my right hand and swearing to defend the United
States against all enemies foreign and domestic, I felt a great
sense of pride, patriotism  and fear.
I am a gay man in the military.
As a high school senior planning a career in the medical field,
the thought of being a cardiac specialist in the U.S. Army truly
appealed to me. My basic training was in Oklahoma and I was
extremely nervous at the prospects of living nine weeks with a
group of strangers thousands of miles away from home. I was also
paranoid that somehow they would find out that I’m gay.
During the course of those nine weeks, I adapted quickly to the
discipline and structured format of the military despite the
homophobic atmosphere. I also began to excel at being a soldier. In
a platoon of 40 recruits, I was chosen as the drill sergeant’s
assistant, in charge of leading my peers through different phases
of basic training and answering directly to the platoon
sergeant.
I endured the homophobic comments and even laughed with the boys
at the jokes that painted stereotypic pictures of gays because I
was afraid of the repercussions if they were to find out about me.
I had to tolerate comments such as "I’ll shoot those fuckin’
faggots if they try to join my Army" and "They’ll just try to
butt-fuck you if they get you in a foxhole." The recruits said
these savage comments, oblivious to the fact that their designated
leader was gay.
In advanced individual training at Texas I was a squad leader,
responsible for soldiers who had more time in service than I did.
During morning runs, our platoon sergeant told us that we could
improve our endurance by "running like a faggot." He demonstrated
this by bending his arms at the elbows, keeping his wrists limp,
and running with his legs wide apart and his butt in the air. These
unfavorable pictures and images contributed to my self-hatred and
homophobia as I became more and more closeted.
With two years and nine months in the service and at the age of
20, I was promoted to the rank of sergeant in the U.S. Army
Reserves, holding the distinction as the youngest sergeant ever in
my unit. This is my proudest moment to date because I proved to
myself that I am able to not only survive in a macho, homophobic
environment, but that I can also excel in it.
I am a gay man and I have done well in the military. Many
detractors have said and will continue to say that gays do not
belong in the military despite the fact that I and thousands of my
gay and lesbian brothers and sisters have served with
distinction.
Growing up with the image of gay men as either drag queens or
Harvey Fierstein greatly disturbed me because I could not relate to
them nor did I want to relate to them. Coming into UCLA as a
freshman, I was determined to stay closeted and eventually go on
active duty. I looked forward to moving from military post to
military post because that would prevent me from establishing long
lasting friendships or relationships.
However, I realized that I was not happy putting on this facade.
During my third year I started meeting people through work and
classes who turned out to be gay. Knowing gays and lesbians who
were "normal" was something I did not expect to happen. I realized
that I was not alone and that there were others out there like me.
Through their example, I slowly began coming out to people, even to
my born-again Christian sister. She has been amazingly supportive
under the circumstances and I love her for it.
It is the strength of my gay and lesbian friends that has given
me the inspiration to make this very public announcement. Quite
frankly, I am scared at what possible repercussions this article
will have on my life. I don’t know what the Army will do and I
don’t know how my other friends and acquaintances will react. I’m
beginning a new chapter in my life, one that is filled with vast
uncertainties.
I risk getting discharged from the Army. It is a huge chance I
am taking. But after weighing the options, I am confident that I am
making the right decision. If I change one individual’s homophobic
views by coming out or if I inspire one closeted person to come
out, than that alone is worth the repercussions I may face.
Kim is a junior double majoring in political science and
philosophy.