"Arc of a love affair" encompasses ideal relationship
Adena Chung
It’s hard to write about this without sounding totally
disenchanted, pessimistic, disillusioned, jaded. I admit I feel a
little bit of all of those, but not enough to have given up the
idea of the perfect relationship, and even marriage.
It’s just that I don’t know what to think when a married guy
with children tries to get it on with my friend at a party in his
own house with his wife upstairs. And I’m inclined to think that
maybe this other couple I know shouldn’t be together anymore if
they aren’t getting along, even if they have three children and
they’ve been together more than 20 years now. They’ve exhausted
therapy and marriage counseling and the woman’s fantasies of
killing her husband have inspired her to buy a gun. I’m not naming
any names.
The biggest problem I have with relationships is that I don’t
know how to be free in one. I haven’t seen one where I think the
two people are totally, completely free beings, together because of
true love for each other. There’s always so much crap that gets in
the way.
I used to think that when women said "all men are assholes" they
were just bitter because they had a bad relationship with some
loser jerk like Thelma’s husband, someone they stayed with for all
the wrong reasons because of their own insecurities, and that would
never happen to me. That was before my marathon man courted someone
else for about six weeks behind my back and then made me feel like
a paranoid, neurotic, insecure bitch for speaking my hunch about
the whole thing.
I definitely stayed in that relationship for wrong reasons.
Sure, there was lots of love, fun and caring; but I couldn’t leave
because I was afraid of the new leaf. All that fear and insecurity
is pretty fucked up. Where did I learn to be so weak, when did I
forget about me?
Yeah, relationships can really tweak a person. I know this from
lots of horror stories, friends and personal experience. But they
can also be really great. I think. I’m not as sure about this
because I haven’t seen a relationship that lives up to my ideals
yet. My ideals might be unrealistic, though. You be the judge:
total freedom of thought, action, movement, and growth; total
commitment; companionship without obligation; and great sex.
Actually, I think this is possible and I have even experienced
it  for a day. I believe in the phrase "the arc of a love
affair" in Paul Simon’s "Hearts and Bones." One-night stands don’t
really fit the paradigm, but most relationships can’t escape it,
unless, of course someone dies, like in the film "Love Story." Even
in marriages the couple comes to the end of the arc of their love
affair and their relationship takes on a different meaning or
purpose. It evolves, or it suffers and dies.
I have serious problems with commitment and marriage as it is
traditionally upheld. Commitment as something to strive for or work
on in order to maintain is bogus and artificial. There is no such
thing as a conscious commitment. It just happens. A person will be
committed until he or she doesn’t feel committed anymore, so
there’s no point in trying to make a commitment. The sense of
commitment should be a by-product, not a cause or motivating
factor. Nothing’s going to make that happen.
I also think the marriage ceremony and contract is b.s. Being
wed by a legal or religious authority betrays the true intent of a
marriage, which is a kind of commitment independent of any third
party. If being traditionally married to someone makes it harder
for you to jump ship when things are rough, then the relationship
relies on an extrinsic factor, be it social, legal, financial or
religious, which implies that you are married for the wrong
reasons.
I’m not sure if I believe in "’til death do us part" either.
It’s that "arc" and I’m not so sure if it’s better to stay and work
on something if it really sucks. Yeah, yeah, who knows down the
line, after the turbulent waters, things might be peachy. Well, the
argument works both ways.
Marriage, ideally, should be an acknowledgment between two
people who share an understanding that they feel "meant to be."
Exchange of vows, rings are good, but not necessary, and that’s
it.
"Annie Hall," one of my all-time favorite movies, pretty much
sums it all up for me, especially the joke that Alvy Singer refers
to at the end. I’ll paraphrase: a guy goes to the doctor and tells
him that his brother needs help. Doc asks what’s wrong and the guy
says his brother thinks he’s a chicken. When the doctor asks why he
doesn’t just send him to a psychiatrist and fix the problem, the
guy replies, "Well, because I need the eggs."
Relationships are crazy and sometimes they don’t make sense, but
we seek them and stay in them because of the amazingly wonderful
things they afford us when it is good  the eggs.
Right now I have a crush on this guy. I shouldn’t call it a
crush because I know him and it’s more than infatuation. I believe
in him, like I believe in myself. I feel strong around him, and
he’s got this love of life, he gets high on it like I do. There’s
nothing between us right now, though, and I think I’ll leave it
that way.
Don’t get me wrong, I want it like I can taste it sometimes, I
fantasize wildly while standing right next to him trying my best to
exude vibes of friendship. But I’m not going to try to make
anything happen because I don’t have to be in a relationship, and I
like entertaining the notion of "us." It’s nice to have something
good to daydream about.
Chung is a senior English student.